CRACC Dating Service
by Shadow Crystal Mage
Summary: Welcome to the files of the Computerized Relationship Arrangement Coordination Company, the dating service of choice for SCM. Read about our many success stories in bringing couples together! C.R.A.C.C.! Crossover, Hetero, Yuri Pairings.
1. Dating Lives of Teenaged Robots 01

A/N: screw timelines not being in synch! Anything is acceptable in the name of crack!

Basically, crack pairings galore, without things like 'plot' or 'story' or 'setting' getting in my way. Send requests!

...

**C.R.A.C.C. **Dating Service

by Shadow Crystal Mage

Chapter 1: Dating Lives of Teenaged Robots

Disclaimer: None of the characters here are mine. They're just being set up on weird dates for fun. ENJOY!

...

"WHAT!" Ala Alba cried, staring at Evangeline. "Chachamaru went on a date?"

Evangeline stuck a finger in her ear. "Keep it down," she growled at them. "I don't want to lose my hearing to you people doing an Emiya Shiro impersonation."

"How did that happen?" Chisame demanded.

Evangeline eyed the hacker warily. "Why do you care?"

Chisame glared at the vampire. "It's a valid question. How the hell did she end up on a date that wasn't with Negi?"

Evangeline raised an eyebrow, looking amused. Chisame rolled her eyes. "Oh, come on, we were all thinking it!"

Everyone else shuffled nervously, except for Haruna who was nodding knowingly and grinning wide in a way sharks had trademarked.

Hakase coughed. "Um, my doing. You see, Chachamaru wanted more varied social experiences, so I set her up with a specialized dating service."

Asuna tilted her head quizzically. "A dating service?"

Hakase nodded. "Have you heard of the **C**omputerized **R**elationship **A**rrangement **C**oordination **C**ompany?"

Chisame stared at her in horror. "You sent Chachamaru with those lunatics on **C.R.A.C.C.**?"

Hakase blinked. "What?"

"HAKASE, YOU IDIOT!" Chisame cried. "_Please_ tell me this at least wasn't a blind date?"

"Um…"

Chisame facepalmed. "Chachamaru is doomed."

...

"A most unforeseen rendezvous," Chachamaru said politely as she and her date sat outside at a rather pleasant café. The cool evening breeze ruffled through her long hair, dissipating her heat and assisting with her cooling system as she accepted the glowing drink her companion had offered her from a container. "Though I must say, this 'Energon' is quite refreshing. I apologize if I was not the sort of companionship you were expecting."

Her date, a rather attractive girl in a two-tone yellow dress, with dark skin, red hair and brilliant blue eyes, shrugged easily enough. "Eh, it's my own fault. I didn't fill in my own form properly. They didn't really have a box for 'girl-shaped super robot' though, so it's probably still mostly their fault."

"A distinct possibility," Chachamaru said. Her preparation for this information gathering mission had included extensive reading from various books she'd found among the Master's library, though she'd thought she'd be meeting with a male of the human species, not a female of a non-human one. One bit of advice in one of the cheaper books entitled "Easy Scoring by Barnabus Stinson" was for a man to always agree with a woman, so as to lubricate social interaction an assist in the goal of 'getting laid', whatever that was. The book had been vague. Chachamaru wasn't sure if the rule applied to her, as she wasn't male, but given the context of the situation, she supposed it would do for now. "Never the less, I hope to be able to provide you with a satisfactory evening."

The girl– technically still her 'date', she supposed– blinked at her. "You still want to go on?"

Chachamaru nodded. "I wish to understand more of human social interaction, especially the ritualized encounter known as a 'date'. If you are willing, we may still continue with one."

The girl looked at her in puzzlement, then shrugged. "Eh, what the heck. I _did _sign up because I was bored. Robot-girl on robot-girl date? Sure, why not? We can give it a shot. Name's Sari. Sari Sumdac. And you?"

"I am called Chachamaru," the tea-girl said. "Karakuri Chachamaru. A pleasure to meet you…"

They talked. Sari tried the burger, while Chachamaru tried more Energon. As they ate, they talked about the usual things…

"I used to be a lot smaller," Sari said, indicating a height with her hand. "But I got myself an upgrade, and here I am. You?"

"This is actually my first major upgrade," Chachamaru said. "My former shell was not as dermarealistic."

"Huh?" Sari said, confused.

"My skin didn't look real," Chachamaru simplified. "This was amended, along with my onboard weapons systems."

"OOH!" Sari said, eyes wide and interested. "What are you packing?"

"My forearms both contain a heat-lance blade and an energy blast weapon," Chachamaru said.

"Mine too!" Sari said happily. "Well, lightsaber tonfa, technically, and I haven't been able to get them to blast since I got them, but I only need a little more practice. And I still have my key…"

Chachamaru tilted her head sideways curiously. "Key?"

"Here, let me show you…"

...

"The back of your head? Are you sure?"

"Yes, it is my interface port for my own key. It is perfectly safe."

"Well, let's see… Hey, it fits! Gotta love Transforming technology. Now, let's just give it turn, and I can show you what–"

"AHH!"

"Chachamaru! Are you all right?-!"

"Y-yes!" Chachamaru panted. "Please, continue…"

"Um, okay. Now, we just turn–"

"Oh, yes!"

"Huh?"

"More! Turn it more! Give it to me!"

"Well, if you're sure…"

"Oh, yes! YES!-!-! **SCREW IT IN! **_**SCREW IT IN!**_"

...

_Next week…_

Hakase stared down at the readings in her hand, then looked up at the concerned pair of robot girls. "Well, congratulations are in order, I suppose. Chachamaru, you're pregnant."

"WHAT?" Sari cried. "How did that happen?"

"You tell me. What did you two do?"

"Well, I showed Chachamaru my key, and she let me put it in her… I screwed it around a couple of times… she really seemed to like it."

Hakase stared at the girl, then rounded on Chachamaru. "You let her screw you on the first date? And neither of you even thought to use some sort of interface protection? Chachamaru! I expected better of you!"

"I'm sorry, mother."

"Go to your tube, young lady, you're grounded!" Hakase turned to Sari. "As for you… we're going to have a little talk about you taking responsibility…"

...

_A few months later…_

"Congratulations!" Hakase cried, holding up the little half Techno-organic Transformer, half magic android alt. "It's an iPod!"

...

**- To be continued...**

...

A/N: All in the name of Crack.

Please review, C&C welcome.

Until next time, this is Shadow, signing off.


	2. Dating Lives of Magic Users 01

A/N: NegixNanoha

...

**C.R.A.C.C. **Dating Service

by Shadow Crystal Mage

Chapter 2: Dating Lives of Magic Users

Disclaimer: None of the characters here are mine. They're just being set up on weird dates for fun. ENJOY!

...

"I, um, don't usually do this," he said nervously. "I mean, sure, you're not in my class, but…"

"M-me neither," she said, blushing. "Sorry, I'm not just used to… meeting with boys."

They sat outside the café C.R.A.C.C. had recommended, blushing nervously and staring into their tea.

"S-so!" he said, a bit loudly than normal, a sign of his nervousness. "What do you like to do in your spare time?"

"Training," she said. "Whenever I have a free moment, I'm working on my magic."

He blinked. "Really? I thought you were a magical girl. Don't you just… well, _know_ how to use your attacks?"

She shook her head, waving a finger in a teacherly fashion he was quite familiar with, having used it himself at times. "That's a popular misconception. We use basic templates for our initial attacks, which is why it seems we always just 'know' them, but to properly utilize them for maximum strategic value, we must practice often, and adapt the basic templates to our personal styles, strengths, and tactics."

He was nodding in agreement. "Yes, I quite agree. Spells as they are always come with their own sets of advantages and limitations. My Master taught me to optimize my use of spells, since they take so long to cast."

Her eyes lit up. "You have a Master? And actual Master? What's he like?"

"She, actually," he said. "And she's…"

He stopped, eyes glazing, and began to shiver, starting to curl up into a fetal ball.

"Negi?" she said in concern, reaching over to shake him. "Are you all right?"

Negi snapped out of it. "I'm fine, Nanoha-san," he said. "Just… bad training memories."

Nanoha nodded, and she handed the other ten-year old his tea. They drank, sighing and enjoying each oterh's company.

In the bushes, Chamo twitched. "Come on aniki, make a move!" he cried quietly.

"They make a cute couple," Konoka giggled.

"You say that about every girl Negi-sensei's with, Konoka-chan," Setsuna sighed.

In the bushes, Suzuka twitched. "Come on, Nanoha, make a move!" she cried quietly. "Suzuka wants her wild hot underaged shota-loli sex!"

Next to her, Alisa and Hayate sweatdropped. "Alisa-chan…" Hayate said nervously.

"Maybe you should stop hanging out with your cousin Tomoyo," Alisa said. "Especially the 2814 one."

There was the sound of running feet, and a blonde girl, hair in two tails, rounded a corner, panting hard. She stared at Nanoha and Negi, sitting together, and fell to her knees, thrusting her arms out to the sky in anguish. "_**NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!-!-!-!-!-!-!-!-!-!-!-!-!-!-!-!-!-!-!-!-!-!-!-!-!-!-!-!-!-!-!-!-!**_"

"Eh?" Nanoha said, turning. "Fate-chan? What's wrong?"

"Nanoha, how could you!" Fate cried. "I thought what we had was special!"

There was the sound of more running feet, and a red-haired girl, hair in two braids, rounded a corner, panting hard. She stared at Nanoha and Negi, sitting together, and fell to her knees, thrusting her arms out to the sky in anguish. "_**NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!-!-!-!-!-!-!-!-!-!-!-!-!-!-!-!-!-!-!-!-!-!-!-!-!-!-!-!-!-!-!-!-!**_"

Nanoha blinked, staring. This was getting weird. "Vita-chan?"

"Nanoha, how could you!" Vita cried. "I thought what we had was special!"

"What are you talking about?" Nanoha said, genuinely confused.

"When you hit me with Starlight Breaker…" Fate said. "I thought… _that was my first time!_ I thought that meant something to you. Didn't it?"

"Of course it didn't!" Vita cried. "She obviously liked _me_ more! She hit me lots of times, with PASSION!"

"NO!" Fate cried. "You've been cheating on me as early as Vita? How could you! how could you play with a young maiden's innocent heart!"

"What _are_ you talking about?" Nanoha said, now really confused.

"When you befriended me!" Fate said. She whirled on Vita. "She befriended me first, bitch!"

"Yeah, well she befriended my harder, tramp!" Vita cried. "She used _cartridges! _Did she use cartridges on you?"

"Huh?"

"It's all right Nanoha," Vita said. "Everyone knows you show girls how much you like them by hitting them, the harder the more. After all, there was your childhood girlfriend Alisa–"

"WHAT!" Alisa cried, standing up. Hayate and Suzuka pulled her down before she was seen.

"– and then there was me…" Fat said demurely. "Oh, nanoha, you really know how to make a girl feel special!"

"She did it with _me_ more," Vita boasted, making Fate wilt.

Negi stared at Nanoha. "That's not how our dateis going to end, is it?"

"No!" Nanoha cried. "Fate, Vita, it's not like that! I don't attack people when I like them!"

"But," Fate protested. "You were always blushing when you were with me!" Especially in public surely that meant you had romantic feeling towards me!

"I was embarrassed, Fate-chan," Nanoha said. "I could see your black underwear through your white skirt."

"Heh, you _can_ see it!" Vita commented, staring down at Fate's white school uniform.

Fate burst into tears.

"I'm sorry if you think I've been leading you on, Fate," Nanoha said gently.

"No!" Fate cried. "The voice actors were so sure! If you can't trust voice actors, who CAN you trust!-?"

Crying, she ran away.

"YES!" Vita cried. "Nanoha is mine!"

Someone grabbed her ear.

She turned and paled when she saw Hayate.

"Little children who cheat on their Mistress need to be… _punished_!" Hayate said ominously, a weird smile on her face.

"It was just a crush, I swear!" Vita said in a small voice.

"Good!" Hayate said. "Because you're not leaving our bed for a week!"

Hayate dragged the girl off, and they could hear her talking about Ice-cream and silk ropes all the way.

There was the sound of running feet, and a pale-haired boy rounded a corner, panting hard. He stared at Nanoha and Negi, sitting together, and fell to his knees, thrusting his arms out to the sky in anguish. "_**NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!-!-!-!-!-!-!-!-!-!-!-!-!-!-!-!-!-!-!-!-!-!-!-!-!-!-!-!-!-!-!-!-!**_"

"Fate?" Negi said, surprised.

"Negi, how could you!" Fate cried. "I thought what we had was special!"

Negi face-palmed. "Didn't we do this already?"

...

"Negi!" Asuna greeted as he dragged himself back to their room. "How was your date?"

"It was great!" Negi said tiredly. "After we left the café, I took her somewhere private, and…"

He reached his futon and collapsed into it with a sigh of relief.

"And?" Asuna prompted.

"We went at it for _hours,_" Negi sighed. "It was the BEST! I'm exhausted…"

"WAH?-!" Asuna cried. "You two did IT on the first date?"

"Well, yeah," Negi said. "She was really good at it!"

"NEGI!" Asuna exploded. "I thought you were a gentleman! You're disgusting, doing that to some girl!"

"But it was her idea!" Negi said. "She wanted to try it out as much as I did once I told her about my experience…"

Asuna paled. "You have _experience?_" she shrieked. "With who?"

Negi ticked off his fingers. "Well, there was the Master, Chachamaru, Chachazero, Kotaro, Fate, Kaede, Setsuna, Takamichi, Fate–"

"WHAT!" Asuna exploded. "You did it with all those people, but not with me? I hate you Negi!"

Negi stared in confusion as she ran out of the room crying.

"But Asuna!" Negi tried to call after her. "I did it with you too!"

He stared at the open door. "Wow, to think she'd react like that to me training with Nanoha-san. I'll never understand girls."

Then he frowned. Where was his staff…?

...

"So…" Raging Heart said. "I've never been on a date before…"

Negi's staff was silent.

"The strong, silent type, huh? I like that…"

More silence.

Bardiche, watching from the bushes, cried. "Oh, Raging Heart, how could you! I thought we had something special…!"

...

**- To be continued...**

...

A/N: LET THERE BE CRACK!

Please review, C&C welcome.

Until next time, this is Shadow, signing off.


	3. Dating Lives of the AxeCrazy 01

A/N: To **Jorlem, **who kept on asking…

...

**C.R.A.C.C. **Dating Service

by Shadow Crystal Mage

Chapter 3: Dating Lives of the Axe-Crazy

Disclaimer: None of the characters here are mine. They're just being set up on weird dates for fun. ENJOY!

...

It was the café again.

She sat on several phone books to reach the tabletop, while he did the same. "So," she said, taking a swig of her beer. "What do you?"

"I LiKE jAM!" he cried, tongue sticking out and head spinning a couple of times.

She gave him a flat look. He reached into his head. "MONKEYS!"

"That's a loaf of bread," she said. She could feel her fingers twitching…

...

_Meanwhile, a table over…_

She sat primly in her chair, wearing her best dress and daintily sipping her tea, listening politely to her date.

"– and so I swore vengeance on him," he was saying. "I rose through ninja academy like a star, even though I was being held back by idiots on both sides, all so I could have the power to kill him!"

"Sounds hot," she said, and it was. It was very hot.

He glared at her. "Hot? _Hot?_ There's nothing 'hot' about it! It is cold vengeance against the evils he had done to the Uchiha Clan…" and he was off again.

She sighed, and sipped her tea. She'd have thought that someone who was this driven to kill someone and willing to kill anyone in his way would be just her kind of date now that Setsuna-sempai– inner-her burst into tears– had left her, but he was so _boring!_ He talked about it so much, and while she wasn't against conversation, he didn't say one thing about those he'd killed! She was seriously losing her murder boner…

...

"FLOWErs foR you!" Gir cried, hitting her on the head with a sea turtle.

Chachazero twitched, staring at her beer bottle and wondering why she hadn't asked Chamo on this date instead. Stupid dating service.

"Under Chassis!" he cried, the top of his head popping open as his lips puckered to kiss her.

"Oh, that's _it,_" Chachazero cried, pulling out her big-ass sword with her name on it…

...

Tsukuyomi looked up from her cup of tea to see someone horribly tearing apart heir date into scrap using a blade bigger than she was.

BA-BUMP!

It was love at first sight.

The boy was still talking, so she stabbed him in the heart and cut downward to his groin to shut him up as she stood, entranced at what she saw.

"Wow…" she said.

Chachazero looked up and saw the girl staring at her.

BA-BUMP!

It was love at first sight.

"Hey…" Chachazero said.

"Hey…" Tsukuyomi said.

"Wanna see the town?"

"Sure!"

...

"This is day 3 of the Great Tokyo Massacre," the newscaster said. "The death told has just reached five digits and still climbing. Police are powerless against the seemingly unstoppable duo, forcing the Prime Minister to request assistance from Green Lantern-chan and her sidekick Ferret Lantern. They have engaged the two, and the deathtoll has ceased, though collateral damage is now said to be in the billions. In other news, Uchiha Sasuke was found dead, to much rejoicing, though his supporters claim this was all according to plan and his death is simply an illusion to lower our guard…"

...

**- To be continued...**

...

A/N: I figured I'll see how much Negima I can stick into each chapter…

Please review, C&C welcome.

Until next time, this is Shadow, signing off.


	4. Bad Dates on CRACC 01

A/N: Inspired by someone's avatar and having adobo giblets and fish for dinner…

...

**C.R.A.C.C. **Dating Service

by Shadow Crystal Mage

Chapter 4: Bad Dates on C.R.A.C.C.

Disclaimer: None of the characters here are mine. They're just being set up on weird dates for fun. ENJOY!

...

The blonde woman sat at the café, daintily sipping her tea. This caused her chest to move in interesting, eye-catching ways. Then again, her wiggling her toes made chest to move in interesting, eye-catching ways. Her dress augmented the appearance, being lback, tight, secured by padlocks and made absolutely apparent that she was going commando. Several fights had already broken out over the seats that revealed her skirt was not, in fact, magic.

Her date arrived, looking absolutely suave and charming. He was coolness itself, the epitome of sexy, and obviously a bad boy, which made him even sexier.

"Hey," he said, not blinking as she stared intently at his date, not blinking. "I'm Edward. Nice to meet you."

Evangeline twitched.

Eva beat the crap out of Edward and killed him. The end.

...

The girl sat at the café, hot in a rugged, scruffy sort kind of way. She wore clothes stolen from Kim Possible's closet, the pants slung so low it was obvious she wasn't wearing anything under them. she sat in an un-ladylike manner, hands in her pockets, stretched out on the chair almost beyond its capacity, completely ignoring the fact she was drawing attention to her chest, which to be fair was fully deserving of attention.

Her date arrived, looking muscled and intense, eyes seemingly stuck on 'sexy smolder'. He was coolness itself, the epitome of sexy, and obviously a bad boy, which made him even sexier.

"Hey," he said. "I'm Jacob. Nice to meet you."

Riza Wildman twitched.

Riza kicked his ass and killed him. The end.

...

The two blondes stared at each other.

"I don't think this date is going to work out," Princess Lilianne said.

Her date nodded. "Agreed," Princess Arika said.

They finished their tea, paid their bills, nodded politely to each other, and left.

Nagi and Hiro, hiding in the bushes, looked at each other.

"Well, that was anticlimactic," Nagi said.

Hiro nose bled. "She wasn't wearing any underwear…"

...

Fate sat at the table with her head in her hands. "I just can't believe it!" she said. "The Sound Stages said so, the manga said so, the anime said so, the voice actresses and the writer say so… HOW COULD SHE LEAVE ME!-?"

Fate nodded in agreement, sipping his Irish coffee. "Tell me about it. The reason I was so sure about our relationship was because of you two. If it was all a lie…" His head drooped.

For a moment, they sat in silence, lost to their own miseries.

"We need to do something," Fate said.

"But what?" Fate asked.

"We need to break them up, of course," Fate told Fate.

"How? Our expertise lies in beating the crap out of people with high speed and utter coolness, not sabotaging romances," Fate argued.

"So? Given who our writer is, this is hardly a serious situation! All we need to do is pull off enough Crazy Awesome insanity to get him posted on the TvTropes page of same, and we're set!" Fate said.

"TvTropes, dattebayo!" Fate said, parroting the writer's self-proclaimed catchphrase.

They nodded in agreement.

"So, how do we do it?" Fate asked. "Because, for obvious reasons, we can't kill either of them…"

They looked at each other suspiciously.

"No, I suppose killing is out of the question," Fate said, sighing in agreement.

Fate gave Fate a _look_. "You were thinking of killing, weren't you?-!"

"Only in the negative sense!" Fate protested. "Anyway, you were the one who suggested it!"

"No, _you_ did! You're just taking advantage of the fact pronouns aren't being used to try to pin this on me!" Fate cried.

"You have no proof of that!" Fate said.

...

In a motel, Arika and Lilianne lay naked under the blanket, both smoking a cigarette.

"Well, getting those two off our tail was easy," Lilianne said.

"Ready for another round?" Arika offered.

"Sure."

They snubbed out their cigarettes. A moment later, rhythmic sounds began to emanate from the room.

Across the street, looking through their own binoculars, Nagi and Hiro stared.

"Totally worth getting cheated on," Nagi sighed happily.

...

Evangline and Riza stared at each other, then at the other's date.

"Sparkly?" Riza asked.

Evangeline nodded. "Cradle robber?"

Riza kicked the corpse.

Evangeline thought this over, then gestured her over with the bottle of sake she'd ordered when the waiter had told her everything was on the house for her rather creative instance of Eldritch-Abomination-icide. Riza accepted gladly, seating herself as Evan poured them drinks.

"To Twilight," Evangeline said, raising her cup.

Riza took her cup. "To Twilight," she said.

They tapped cups. "DIE, EVIL SPAWN!" they chorused, and drank together.

...

Negi opened the door to his room at the knock, then looked to either side in confusion as he saw no one there. He frowned, and saw an envelope left on the ground. He picked it up, and his eyebrows rose at the addresser. He opened it cautiously.

_Negi,_

_I hate your stinking guts! You make me vomit! You're a stub between my toes! I never want to see you again!_

_Hate, Nanoha._

He stared at it as he closed the door. "Nanoha-chan, why are you sending me hate-notes when you're already in the room with me?"

Nanoha looked up from playing Fate/Stay Night. "Huh?"

Negi held it out. "Apparently, you never want to see me again."

Nanoha rolled her eyes. "That's silly. Now help me here, I want to see if you can really open an Illya route with a patch…"

"Aww! Can't we just play Magical Battle Arena instead?"

...

"I luvz du!" GIR cried, snuggling Sasuke's entrails.

"Huh," he said. "This is just a flesh wound. Soon, Itachi, I will–"

There was a snap.

"_OH MY GOD, I BROKE A NAIL!_"

...

In a motel, Evangeline and Riza lay naked under the blanket, both smoking a cigarette.

"So, you're really over five hundred?" Riza asked.

The loli rolled her eyes. "_Yes!_" she said.

"Just making sure," Riza said.

They snubbed out their cigarettes. A moment later, rhythmic sounds began to emanate from the room.

...

In a motel, Fate and Fate lay naked under the blanket, both staring at the ceiling.

"How did this happen again?" Fate asked.

Fate frowned, trying to recall. "I have no idea."

They stared at the ceiling some more.

"So… how was it?" Fate asked.

"Meh," Fate said.

Fate stiffened, slowly turning to stare at Fate, who was looking through the roomservice menu. "'Meh'? That's it? 'Meh'?-!"

Fate shrugged. "It was okay."

"'_Okay'?-!-?-!_" Fate exclaimed. "That's even worse than 'meh'!"

"What can I say?" Fate said. "You're too… tight."

"WHAT!-?"

"Oh, sorry, poor choice of words. 'Uptight'."

"Why you… DIE!"

...

**- To be continued...**

...

A/N: Anyone know where I can get Magical Battle Arena patched in English?

Go on, guess which Fate says what. I dare you…

Please review, C&C welcome.

Until next time, this is Shadow, signing off.


	5. Dating Lives of SCM's Harrys 01

A/N: I'm seriously planning to getting around to writing these guys again. I know what I want them to do, but writing it down right has been… problematic. Still, hope this suffices!

...

**C****.R.A.C.C. **Dating Service

by Shadow Crystal Mage

Chapter 5: Dating Lives of SCM's Harrys

Disclaimer: None of the characters here are mine. They're just being set up on weird dates for fun. ENJOY!

...

**My Life Is Worse**

"Big deal," he said. "_I_ have to capture 52! My animal sidekick is nearly useless and keeps eating like a black hole, my rival is an evil bitch, my wand doesn't have any really cool offensive functions, and I have to do this on top of school. And not just any school, _boarding_ school! I can't get away with anything!"

She frowned. "All right, I'll give you that. But _my_ perverted evil twin is worse than yours! She tried to kill me, then tried to _seduce my brother_, then tried to seduce all my classmates pretending to be me, and then pretended to be my cousin so that she could hang around my school, and then tried to kill me again!"

He considered that. "All right, your evil twin situation is worse."

They both sighed.

"This date sucks, no offense," he said. "Sorry, but I'm not into… that sort of thing."

"Hey, that'll make you the most upstanding person I know," she said. "None taken. And it's not like I don't think you're great– it's great to have someone to talk to about all this– but I kinda like someone else. I'm just here because my classmates and so-called friends and my evil twin pressured me."

"So did mine," he said. "Do you ever wonder why we hang out with those people?"

"It does seem strange, present circumstances considered," Illya agreed.

Harry sighed. "Well, I don't suppose there's much point in going through with the evening," he said. "Let me walk you home? It's the least I can do."

"I appreciate that," Illya said thankfully.

They finished their tea and left.

In the bushes, Rin, Lee, Luvia, Yue, Miyu, Keroberos and Kuro blinked.

"That's it?" Kuro said. "Man, what a bummer…"

...

**Crazy**

"So," he asked. "What do you do?"

"Oh, I'm a swordswoman for hire!" she said cheerfully, her glasses glinting in the light. "Shinmei-Ryu school, which means I do exorcisms on up, but really, I'll take any job as long as it lets me kill something."

"Oh?" he said, smiling with interest. "Well, it's nice to know you're in a line of work you enjoy. There really aren't enough people in the world who like what they do. I think it's why we still have paperwork."

They tapped their teacups together. "Paperwork," the both said. "BURN!"

As they put down their cups, she smiled up at him. "So, what do _you_ do?"

"Well, technically I'm still a student," he said. "But I go on missions when school's out and in the meantime, I work as an editor."

"Oh," she said. "How interesting." Her tone said it wasn't very interesting at all.

"Of lesbian porn," he added.

Her metaphorical ears perked up. "Do go on, please," she said, more interested.

"It's ninja porn," he said. "Some tentacles, but not a lot."

"Hmm…" she said. "Does it have… swordswomen?"

He leaned closer, a small, evil smile on his face. "What kind?" he whispered.

Her eyes opened wide. "There's… _more_ than one kind?" she said breathlessly.

"Oh, _yeah…_" he said. "Shall we talk more about this after dinner, Tsukuyomi-chan?"

"I would _love_ to, Uzumaki-sama," Tsukuyomi said.

"Oh, please, call me Harry…"

In the bushes, people twitched.

"He's a loli-con now too?" Hermione said.

"Well, duh," Ron said. "He hits on Ginny, remember?"

"Oh, yeah."

"Bitch!" Ginny growled. "I'm the only loli allowed around Harry!"

"Evil bisexual Yandere," Myrtle agreed.

"Tsukuyomi! How could you!" Setsuna said, biting her sleeve. "I thought you were only obsessed with _me_!"

Chamo blinked. "Wait, didn't she Yandere-on with Negi?"

"That's different," Setsuna said dismissively. "_Everyone's_ whatever for Negi."

"Treacherous bitch!" Paio Zi muttered. "We were supposed to be together! Didn't our scene in _**Tales of Yue's Harem**_ mean anything to her?-!"

...

**Utter Crack**

"Anti-City spells," he said smugly. "That big for sure, though I might be able to go bigger. I haven't tried yet."

She grinned widely, the expression both strangely robotic and disturbingly hot. "_Re-_ally?" she said. "That's _very_ hot…"

"How about you?" he said. "What can _you_ do?"

She smirked. "Threesomes."

He bowed. "You beat me, hands down. Shall we recruit an individual for you to show your expertise, Larxene?"

"Sure, kid," Larxene said. "But what kind of a name is 'Keeper'?"

"A fake one. Shall we inquire with that lady? Oh, miss…!"

"Hmm?" Evangeline said, looking up from her tea.

"Would you like to join a threesome?"

...

**Fan of Your Work: The Magic Book**

He stared. "You're… You're Lina inverse…!" he managed to choke out.

She smiled at his stare. "Why yes, I am! Always nice to met a fan. I bet this is your lucky day, getting a date with me?"

He nodded dumbly, fumbling with the backpack next to him. "Sign my copy of your book?"

...

In a motel, Harry and Illya lay naked under the blanket, both staring at the ceiling.

"How did this happen again?" Harry asked.

Illya frowned, trying to recall. "I have no idea."

They stared at the ceiling some more.

"I am _so_ arrested…" Harry said.

...

**- To be continued...**

...

A/N: Not my best work…

Please review, C&C welcome.

Until next time, this is Shadow, signing off.


	6. Dating Lives of Royalty 01

A/N: And now, MORE!

...

**C.R.A.C.C. **Dating Service

by Shadow Crystal Mage

Chapter 6: Dating Lives of Royalty

Disclaimer: None of the characters here are mine. They're just being set up on weird dates for fun. ENJOY!

...

It was like something out of a story. Who would have thought things like this happened in real life?

She was on a date with a prince! And actual, honest to goodness prince! Technically, she knew this wasn't something she should get excited about, being who she was, but still, a PRINCE! Wait until her friends heard about this!

It was like something out of a story. Who would have thought things like this happened in real life? He was having lunch with a princess! Well, technically, she supposed she wasn't a princess, but she was too young to be considered an actual ruler, and that was enough to get her to squeak by. And not just _any_ princess, a _magical_ princess! And not just any magical princess, a magical princess _he couldn't possibly be related to!_

The two children laughed, enjoying one another's company. It soon became clear both had much in common, from very protective older women in their lives (she said it vaguely, so as not to prejudice him too soon; he was nonspecific as to why they were overprotective) who was like family to them, to having been through very traumatic things at the age of six. They'd sat for some time holding each other's hand when that came out, putting on a brave face and knowing the other wasn't fooled one bit. She told him how she'd made friends with some of those involved, and now everything was fine, he told him how the incident had driven him to see that such things never happened again if he could help it. She drank caramel milk, he drank milk tea.

They'd met up at the ever-pervasive tea house before heading to see a heartwarming movie about two magical girls throwing anti-army spells at each other's faces. After that, they headed for a theme park, where they spent the next few hours on the rides. When night fell, they went to a nice café to have dinner, chatting amiably the whole while.

It was, of course, only a matter of time before utter chaos and destruction rained down upon them.

"Oh, who have a little something on your face," he said, taking a paper napkin to wipe it off. "Here, let me get it for you."

"Oh, thank you," she said smiling, leaning forward to let him get better access.

He leaned forward, their faces almost touching, and…

"_**NNNNEEEEEEEEEEGGGGIIIIIIII-KKKKKKKKUUUUUUNNNNNNNNN!-!-!-!-!-!-!-!-!-!-!-!-!-!**_" several girls cried from the table behind him, glasses and plates clattering as they practically climbed all over each other to get at the two.

"**_YYYYYYOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUUURRRRR _****_MMMAAAAJJJJJEEEESSSSTTTYYYY_**_**!-!-!-!-!-!-!-!-!-!-!-!-!-!-!-!**_" several young women in the other table behind her, including a couple in what appeared to be nun habits, cried, one actually passing _through_ the bench in their attempt to get at the two.

Vivio and Negi blinked in utter confusion, staring at the girls.

"_GET AWAY FROM HER MAJESTY, BRAT! HER LIPS ARE NOT FOR THE LIKES OF YOU!_" one of the habit-wearing women cried.

"_GET AWAY FROM HIM, TRAFFIC-LIGHT FACE_!" a red-haired girl cried, flames already billowing around her staff.

"YOU WILL NOT ATTACK HER MAJESTY!" one of the other red-heads in the other table cried, launching herself at the flame-wielding girl.

"ANYA!" a girl with a large forehead yelled out, drawing an enormous sword out of nowhere, and a brawl commenced.

As the two children stared in confusion, there was a bright flash of pink outside, and the door of the café suddenly opened forcefully, revealing a long-haired brunette in a white and blue dress wielding a pink, white and gold staff with a red gem, several dozen glowing pink balls floating around her. "All right, you! Get away from my daughter before I– huh? Negi-kun?"

Negi blinked as Vivio stared between her date and her mother. "Nanoha-chan?" he said.

The older woman grinned widely, although a blush began to stain her cheeks. "Negi-kun! It's wonderful to see you again!"

"The same here, Nanoha-chan!" Negi said. "You've certainly grown into a mature and beautiful woman! I always knew you would."

The blush deepened. "Aww, Negi-kun. Always knowing the right thing to say."

Vivio was getting confused. "Nanoha-mama? You know Negi-kun?"

"Oh, yes," Nanoha said. "We used to date."

The brawling in the background ground to a screeching halt as the former Numbers and various Mahora girls stopped what they were doing (which was to try and do a lot of damage to each other) to stare at the two, noting the young year old boy and comparing him to the woman more than twice his age. "_**What the hell?**_" they all cried.

"Ah!" Otto said as Nodoka tried to gauge out her _other _eye_. _

"Yes, we did," Negi said. "Some weird combination of travel and alternate continuities is involved. It happened a couple of chapters ago."

Nanoha nodded. "He was always a gentleman. I can see I was worried about nothing. Sorry about this, Vivio-chan."

"Oh, it's all right mama," Vivio said. "I know it's because you sometimes worry about me."

Nanoha suddenly grinned. "Hey Negi-kun, why don't you come over some time to our house and we can do _that_ the way we used to when we were dating?"

The Numbers and Mahora girls' eyes went wide.

"_That?_" the Numbers gasped.

"_That?_" Nodoka squeeked.

"_That?_" Sein said, starting to drool.

"_THAT?" _the Mahora girls cried.

Negi blushed, ruffling the hair on the back of his head. "R-really, Nanoha-chan? Are you sure? It's been a while since we did _that_. I'm sure you've picked up all sorts of new techniques…"

Jaws dropped. Sein became in serious danger of dehydration. Nodoka wondered how much it would take to commission Mana for a contract.

"Well, I'm sure _you've_ picked up a lot of new things too," Nanoha said, winking at him. "Come on, for old time's sake? We used to do _that_ everywhere when we felt in the mood. In the park, in parking lots, on roofs, there was even that time we did it in the PE equipment storage shed…"

The girls began to choke. Sein was twitching like an earthquake. Nodoka began looking for a sharp object.

"_That?_" Vivio asked. "Nanoha-mama, what's _that_?"

"Oh, just something Negi-kun and I used to do. He was very good at it," Nanoha said, smiling fondly in reminiscence.

"Ah, you were very good at it too, Nanoha-chan," Negi said. "Remember that thing you did that time we did _that _while we were in Disneyland?"

"I've made it a permanent part of my repertoire," Nanoha said. "It always brings Fate-chan to her knees."

Sein realized Vivio really _was_ divine, for having led her to this beautiful scene. Nodoka wondered if she could lift the table…

"Ah, well, I better let you get back on your date," Nanoha said. "Have fun, you two! But don't do _that_ yet, okay? Vivio's not really ready for you yet."

"Eh?" Vivio said, slightly confused that her mother knew more about her date than she did. "Why not mama?"

Nanoha paused as she thought about it. "Well, if you don't mind me tagging along, I suppose the three of us can to _that_ together after you finish up here. Vivio should be fine with me helping."

Sein passed out from fluid loss, both nosebleeds gushing blood like a geyser as she lay in a wide pool of her own drool. Nodoka tried to grab Yue's souken.

The door to the café suddenly opened again and a panting Fate staggered in, looking worried, Einhart right behind her. "Nanoha! Don't hurt him! I'm sure Vivio will be all right on her date, she's a very mature girl, and–"

Fate froze as she caught sight of Negi, eyes going wide as she recognized him, words dying in her mouth. Einhart's eyes narrowed.

"Eh, don't worry, Fate-chan, I've realized everything's all–" That was as far as Nanoha got.

With a cry, Fate pulled out Bardiche, switching it to its "What do You Mean It's Not Symbolic?" Zanber mode. "GET AWAY FROM MY DAUGHTER AND MY NANOHA-CHAN!" she cried, charging Negi with a wild look in her eyes.

Strangely, even Bardiche seemed in on it. "You shall not take my Raging Heart from me, you stupid piece of wood!" it cried, clearly remembering Negi's staff.

"_**VIVIO'S MINE YOU BASTARD!**_" Einhart cried, going big and charging in right behind Fate.

Somewhere, a poor Café owner was sighing in relief that he'd recently gotten CRACK insurance…

...

Hotaru and Chibi-Usa looked at each other across the table, the former looking perplexed.

"Are we even a crack pairing anymore?" Hoatru asked. "I mean, we've been around for _way _more than a decade. We've outlasted the Gundam Wing fandom, who only bring out their boys for pointless Yaoi, since none want to do action plots any more…"

"Yes, about that, Hotaru-chan…" Chibi-Usa said. "I have something important to tell you…"

"What, you're leaving me?" Hotaru joked.

Chibi-Usa bowed her head. "Yes."

Hotaru choked.

"It's not you, it's me!" Chibi-Usa cried, going for her clichés. "We can still be friends though, right?"

"Y-you're leaving me?-!" Hotaru exclaimed. "But… _why?_"

"Please understand," Chibi-Usa said. "I still think of you as my best friend! But I have a lot more things in common with her! We click, you know? There's chemistry…"

"_Who…?_" Hotaru managed to growl out.

Chibi-Usa looked to the side and gestured.

"Yo," Chao Lingshen said, intertwining her fingers with Chibi-Usa's. The pink-haired girl sighed happily.

Hotaru twitched. _I wonder if Nodoka will be willing to give me her classmate Mana's number…_

...

Iono smiled at the dark-haired Greek. "Ah, beautiful dark-haired miss!" she chirped happily. "Would you like to be my Sobame?"

Diana of Themscrya blinked, wondering what had possessed her to go along with Flash's idea for this dating service. "What?"

Kass sighed over in the next table. "Her Majesty is insatiable…"

...

Arturia looked a Nero. "You are very attractive," she said.

"Thank you," Nero said. "I would say the same of you."

"Yet this feels very strange somehow," Arturia said.

"Indeed," said the roman. "I can't quite put my finger on why…"

...

Nanoha, Negi and Vivio lay panting on the ground, covered with sweat, some bruises, and a little debris.

"_**BEST. THAT. EVER!**_" Vivio declared.

...

**- To be continued...**

...

A/N: Someone in Typemoon's art department is VERY lazy…

Please review, C&C welcome.

Until next time, this is Shadow, signing off.


	7. Dating Lives of Iniquitus the Third

A/N: the following material was written by Iniquitus The Third on the TvTropes (dattebayo!) All purpose Negima fanfiction thread. I'm posting it here for him since he doesn't have an account and he asked me to. Done with his permission.

...

**C.R.A.C.C. **Dating Service

by Shadow Crystal Mage

Chapter 7: Dating Lives of Iniquitus the Third

Disclaimer: None of the characters here are mine. Hel, this time the whole segment doesn't belong to me! They're just being set up on weird dates for fun. ENJOY!

...

**Dating Lives of Emotionless Villians **

Fate looked up at the man sitting opposite him, resplendent in his aged-up form. Why he wore clothes that looked bleached beyond all reason and makeup that looked distinctly tear-like was not really his place to ask. Certainly it didn't seem like he'd get an answer, from the intimidatingly blank look on his face.

Ulquiorra gazed levelly at the man sitting opposite him, resplendent in his Espada uniform. Why he wore some strange temple-boy uniform and had coloured his hair white was not really his place to ask. Certainly it didn't seem like he'd get an answer, with the oddly apathetic gaze he turned on Ulquiorra.

Then the waitress arrived.

"That's one K*nyan Ultraconcentrated coffee, and one Hueco Mundo mark tea for you, sirs."

At those words, Negi, hiding in the bushes, blanched, and began whimpering. Ichigo turned away from watching, wondering what had gotten to him.

Negi caught his eye.

"Run. Away. Very far away." He managed hoarsely.

-_Later_-

Fate took a drag on a cigarette in the hotel room. Beside him, Ulquiorra did likewise.

"Did you feel anything?"

"No. You?"

Fate's hand went up to cradle his chin in thought.

"Perhaps we have the wrong sort of cigarette?"

...

**Dating Lives of Crazy Awesome Berserkers **

Kenpachi grinned. This guy, he was a proper fighter. He hadn't even reacted when Kenpachi had stabbed him in the gut upon meeting him, other than to cheerfully inform him that he could 'Stab Him As Much As He Liked, And It Wouldn't Do A Damn Thing, Dammit'. Of course, Yachiru had caught sight of the list of desserts the cafe offered, and had insisted that he leave the place standing long enough for her to sample all of them.

Still, wasn't like he had no one to talk to.

"...And then, right, he hit me in the stomach with a sword, but I wasn't going to let that slow me down, even though my arm had been cut off with his scythe, and I lost the other one to his morningstar-nunchucks, so what I did was I kicked him in the stomach with my special technique-Rakan's Champion Hyper-Piledriver Kicksmash- and he..."

_Bah. I woulda just cut him._

"Even though you'd have had no arms to hold your sword in, Ken-chan?"

Kenpachi didn't blink as Yachiru guessed his words perfectly. Crazy minds tended to think alike.

Then he turned his head. Yup, Yachiru was there, with a plethora of sweet-stains around her mouth and exactly the same temperament as usual. Really, he doubted anything less than distilled sugar would be capable of making her any more agitated. That meant that he was free to go...

"Hey, Jack, " Kenpachi interrupted the other man. "Care to go for a few rounds?"

Jack grinned. "Thought you'd never ask."

At those words, Ichigo, hiding in the bushes, blanched, and began whimpering. Negi turned away from watching, wondering what had gotten to him.

Ichigo caught his eye.

"Run. Away. Very far away." He managed hoarsely.

...

**Dating Lives of Horribly Shy Girls **

Hinata pushed her fingers together in a nervous gesture. She noticed this, stopped doing it, then realised that she had a nervous habit left over from her childhood days, and immediately started doing it again.

Orihime looked over at her. "Something the matter, Hinata-chan?", she asked cheerily.

"Uh, n-no, O-Ori-Orihime-san. I-I'm perfectly a-all right, ano..."

Nodoka looked awkwardly down at the menu. Sweet Negi Buns, Classic Naruto Ramen, Ichigo pie... Her brow, hidden behind her hair, furrowed slightly. Strange. She didn't remember fangirl/fanboy Japanese extending to food types.

==In the Kitchen==

Evangeline, Nagato and Urahara grinned to one another. They'd sat on this knowledge for the better part of their time in canon, and by God/Pain/Aizen they were going to milk it for all it was worth.

==Back Outside==

Both of her compatriots had by now lapsed into awkward silence, similarly scanning the menu, and had burst into positively neon-like blushes upon noticing the names of their respective crushes on it.

"U-um, Hinata-san? D-do you know anyone by the name of 'Naruto'?", Nodoka hesitantly asked, guessing as best she could.

In the bushes, Sakura clamped her hands over Naruto's ears.

"...Yes."

Nodoka swallowed. "A-and Orihime-san, would you happen to know someone by the name of 'Ichigo'?"

It didn't seem plausible that Orihime's blush could get any deeper, but somehow she managed it.

In the bushes, Sakura's hands went away from Naruto's ears, just as Rukia's turned Ichigo temporarily deaf.

"Um, maybe? Sorta? Kinda? Yes?"

Hinata had put two and two together by now.

"Th-then would you, Nodoka-chan, m-might you know someone called 'Negi'?"

Rukia released Ichigo, just in time for Asuna clap her hands over Negi's ears. "Yes!", Nodoka squeaked out.

The three girls looked awkwardly at each other, having effectively gone through several hundred chapters of characterisation in one supremely uncomfortable round.

Then they all stood in unison, making hurried excuses as to having 'things to do, you know', and left the plaza.

In the bushes, Asuna returned her hands to her sides. Negi, Naruto and Ichigo, having been rendered immune to noticing such things after respectively three hundred, five hundred, and four hundred chapters of such things, rose, shrugged at each other, and stood to finish the untouched meals of the girls. No sense in letting things go to waste, now, right?

"I am sick to death of having to prolong things like this. Can't they just get the romance over and done with, then get back to punching each other?", Sakura griped.

"Hey, least I got Chisame to fill in for me for the last parts. I don't know how you managed this for as long as you have, Sakura, " replied Asuna.

"You think you have it bad? I got ten more years of this. TEN FREAKING YEARS, " Rukia complained.

"Pfft, like it'll be much more than a week in actual time, " Asuna sniped.

"Oh, bite me, miss 'I'm-really-much-older-than-I-look', 'older-guys-are-totally-OSM', " Rukia grumbled.

"Oi, lay off the arguments. You know I hate trying heal you two after I'm done calming you down. It gives me a headache, " Sakura called to the pair.

"Since when does 'calming people' refer to 'hitting them with what feels like a building?" Asuna returned.

"Hey, like anything else works on you, " Sakura responded.

"And that means you lump me with her? Can't you go learn some sleep spells?" Rukia growled.

...

**Dating Lives of I-Can't-Believe-It's-Not-Canon Girlcrush Holders **

_(You_ come up with a better way to describe them. )

Soi Fon fidgeted. Why Yoruichi-sama had signed her up for this program was beyond her. Why she'd gone along with it, on the other hand, was painfully clear to her.

She sighed, holding her cup so tightly that just the merest of spiderweb cracks went around its surface. The nervous tension in the air was getting to her. Why oh why oh _why_ had she written 'female' on the form before handing it to Yoruichi-sama, blushing like a schoolgirl? Because she hadn't actually expected it to be handed in, and now here she was.

Her date, at least, didn't seem any more confident than her, with a seemingly permanent downcast gaze, and enough nervous tension to float the Titanic.

"Why did you hand the form in, Yoruichi-sama/Konoka-ojousama?"

The two girls started, realising the other had spoken at exactly the same time. Then they realised the similarity of their two questions.

"You- you too?"

"...Yes."

"...I was her protege."

"...I'm her bodyguard."

The two looked awkwardly at each other, then rose in unison, stepped around the table to meet, and uncomfortably embraced each other, muttering things a lot like "She notices you" and "You are important to her, you _are_" in slightly helpless voices.

They seperated once they came to their senses, avoiding eye contact.

"...I can bring you one of her haoris."

"...I can find you some extensions."

**-Later-**

Yoruichi and Konoka knocked on the hotel room door.

When that didn't work, Yoruichi simply cranked her Shunko up to full and smashed down the door, stepping inside almost immediately.

Soi Fon, half-dressed in a healer outfit and with brown hair extensions, straddling Setsuna with a horrified expression on her face, looked at Konoka, down at herself, back at Konoka and then at Yoruichi.

Setsuna, obviously having been dressed in a Stealth Corps uniform until a few seconds ago and wearing a deep fake tan, her hands still all over Soi Fon with a terrified expression on her face, looked at Yoruichi, then at herself, back at Yoruichi, then to Konoka.

Konoka, a shocked expression on her face, looked at Soi Fon, noted the similarity to her own appearance, to Setsuna, to Yoruichi, and back to Soi Fon.

Yoruichi, an amused expression on her face, looked at Setsuna, noted how much the hanyou looked like her, looked over to Soi Fon, to Konoka, and back to Setsuna.

The embarrassed silence lasted for a brief eternity.

Yoruichi was the first to break it.

"Foursome?"

...

**Dating Lives of Badass Grandpas **

Ukitake squinted over to the table from the bushes, where Captain-Commander Genryusai Shikeguni Yamamoto sat opposite a man who looked oddly similar to him, with ridiculously oversized ear loops and a beard that went to the floor, though he looked a lot less wrinkled than the Captain-Commander.

He strained his ears, trying to catch some part of the conversation. Yamamoto's mumbled speech was hard enough to hear in the voluminous, quiet Captain's Meeting Hall. In a crowded, outdoor place such as this, it was all-but-impossible to distinguish his words.

Shunsui rolling around on the ground in laughter beside her, like he had been the last few hours. Somehow, the thought of the two-thousand-year-old man back on the market was funny to him. Somehow.

He turned to the giggling heap beside him.

"Shunsui, can't you shut up for a moment? Or ogle the girls a little? I want to hear this."

Then he saw a girl out of the corner of his eye, groaning slightly and banging her head against the brick wall.

"Ah, miss? Are you entirely oka-"

Then his knowledge of Morse code kicked in as he heard the underlying rhythm.

"...Why are you tapping out 'DO NOT WANT' on the wall, miss?"

Konoka just continued trying to remove the memories of her grandpa on a date via good old blunt force trauma. Good God, when she'd stopped having marriage meetings set up by him, she didn't think he'd put _himself_ back in the game instead.

...

**Dating Lives of Crazy Awesome Berserkers, part two **

Kenpachi blinked. They'd rebuilt the town fairly well since his first meet with Jack, but that was to be expected. He found overpowered people, he fought said people, they caused property damage equal to a politician's lifetime pay in the process, but they always rebuilt things later on. It was one of the laws of nature: Kenpachi smashed things, people rebuilt them, one way or the other.

What he hadn't expected was the guy somehow getting his Hell-Butterfly address, then managing to send an invite along it despite not being dead. _Ah well, a way to spend an afternoon_.

Then Jack had shown up, but perhaps not the way Kenpachi had expected.

"Oi, meathead. Let me off!"

"No! See how his shoulder-pet stays on? Take a leaf from her book."

"So you broke ancient and mystical enchantments set down by the Thousand Master himself, as well as virtually enslaved a quasi-godlike being to be your familiar just so you can win in a ridiculous game of one-upmanship?"

"Pretty much!"

"...I hate you."

Yachiru, on the other hand, quite enjoyed having a new person to chat about/educate for shoulder-minion duty.

"What's your naaaaaame?"

"If I tell you, will you stop pestering me?"

"Maaaaaybe, " said Yachiru, having bounded across to Jack's other shoulder.

"Urgh. _Fine_. My name is Evangeline Athanasia Ekaterina McDowell, Dark Evangel! Hahahahaha!"

"Boooring. I'm gonna call you Kitty-chan!"

"..._What_?"

"Yeah! Hey, Kitty-chan, Ken-chan wants to play with Jackie-chan. We should go and play somewhere else!"

"**_I will cleave your soul in twain and scatter the remnants across the seas of Chaos!_**"

"Hee, Kitty-chan is funny! Catch me if you caaa-aaan!"

Jack didn't react overtly as the energetic lieutenant leapt from his shoulder and disappeared into the crowds, hotly pursued by the biblically enraged Eva, standing once the sounds of indiscriminate rage had faded to merely wincing levels for mortals.

"So, Kenny. Want another go at me?"

Kenpachi just grinned. He _knew_ this C.R.A.C.C. thing had been a good idea.

**-Later-**

Evangeline looked up at the hotel ceiling a little awkwardly.

"...So you're definitely _not_ underage?"

"Yup! Why're you so hung up on that, Kitty-chan? Let's play some more!"

Evangeline groaned slightly. Where the _hell_ did this girl get her energy from?

...

**Dating Lives of Appliers of Inappropriate Parenting Methods. **

The red-head squirmed slightly. He was going to have to really bring out the big guns now. He'd tried and tried to put it off, but there was no avoiding it now...

"I left my kid -at only four years of age, mind you- in the snow, next to his nearly-dead cousin, in the middle of a burning village, bawling his eyes out for me, on the site of a recent demon invasion!"

The spiky-blonde man in a red-and-white coat next to him leaned forward.

"That's it? On the day of his birth -fresh out of the womb-, I sealed a demon so powerful it was regarded as a force of nature inside my kid, then left him alone, to be scorned and ridiculed for the majority of his life so far."

The blonde man triumphantly leaned back, and the red-head scowled at him.

"I shot my kid in the heart."

Minato and Nagi shared a look as the third man of their group spoke up nonchalantly.

"You win, " they said simultaneously.

The corner of Ryuuken's mouth curved into a smile.

...

**Dating lives of Otaku Girls **

The first girl, with hip-length messy, bright blue hair, raised a finger. "Ah, but a Spellbreaker becomes unworkable at later levels. The Intelligence boost from Spirit Mastery is completely wasted, since Vitality damage is flat, and not elemental."

The second girl, with shorter red hair and a large pair of glasses, leaned forward. "Oh really? The whole point of a Spellbreaker is damage-converted-to-health."

The first girl shook her head patronisingly, ingoring the lukewarm coffee sitting next to her hand. "Exactly. The only skill that does that is Drain Life, which is based on Vitality damage, which gets no boosts from stats. And the boosts from threefold Vile Ichor, even ported over from a Legendary Farmer character, won't balance that enough to make it viable against bosses, especially once you hit Epic."

The second girl frowned. "See, that's where you're wrong. You don't use Drain Life at all. The energy boost from just one Mage mastery isn't enough to supply you at higher levels, even if you do get hold of minus one hundred percent casting speed gear. What you do is Dual Wield swords with the 'of Devouring' suffix, and socket them with Anubis' Wrath, which gets you another flat eighteen percent damage-to-health. Couple that with the damage boosts from Onslaught and its higher levels, plus criticals from a combination of Battle Rage and Weapon Training, and you have it how this class is meant to be played."

The first girl raised an eyebrow. "Then what the hell is the point of picking Spirit at all? Why not get Dream? You get a percent bonus to Vitality off Lucid Dream, and combo that with Trance Of Wrath to drop resists for massive damage."

"Oh, silly, silly girl. The reason is because not only of the Liche King, but because of the Dark Covenant line. Sure, ya gotta pay a steady life cost, but that's where the damage-to-health comes in, and with the boosts from the upside of things, that problem disappears completely."

"Pfah, " The shorter girl retorted. "Pfah, I say. The whole point of teams is to fight united, not go it alone. Why would anyone bring someone like that to a party quest?"

In the bushes, Hiyori and Haruna sketched like they were being paid for it.

Hiyori stopped. "Are you _sure_ they're acting like this to throw off the rest of the class?"

Haruna turned to her. "Of course! Can't you feel the blistering undercurrent of emotion running beneath their words? I tell you, give them a hotel room and we can start doing live drawings!"

(Probably crappy. Also, see if you can guess the name of the game they're discussing. )

...

**Dating Lives of Bratty Half Pints **

"So, how does it feel, being stuck in a shape so immature for more than a hundred years?" Anya couldn't keep the gloating tone out of her voice.

The girl opposite her scowled, but kept from actually slapping Anya. "Oh, I'd guess better than having your childhood friend stolen away by someone half his age again."

Anya's eye twitched, the only outward sign of her annoyance. "Oh yeah? Well, at least I don't have to worry about losing _my_ guy to other _guys_."

Hiyori stood, hand going to her sword and summoning her Hollow Mask. "Oh, that is IT! You're going down, Shrimpy McStupid!"

Anya did likewise, bringing her hands up, wreathed in flame. "Bring it, Loli O'Tsuntsun-Bitch!"

Chamo rubbed his paws together. Tickets to the catfight had sold like hot buns, and he had worried that things would just fizzle out. Good to know a Tsundere could be counted on, no matter who wrote their characters.

...

**Dating Lives of the Overcompensators **

Asuna calmly took a sip of her hot chocolate, sitting outside the cafe that she had been told to meet her 'match'. Twenty minutes, and still no sign of him.

She slid the small form out of her pocket, scanning it again. This time, a small line in print caught her, which she'd previously glossed over:

_In order for the meeting to begin, due to 'Verse constraints regarding your match, we advise you have your large blade at the ready._

Huh. "Adeat!"

No sooner had Ensis Exorsians sprung forth and been propped up against the table than a young man appeared, literally out of nowhere, with the hilt of a very large sword indeed showing over his shoulder, and a mass of blond hair splayed up into spikes, on the edge of the plaza.

Asuna glanced up, and almost spat out her drink. A little flag with 'objective' written on it in simple font had sprung up out of nowhere, hovering over her head. ''The hell?" Asuna reached upwards and tried to wave it away, but the bottom of the flag bobbed annoyingly just out of reach for her.

She gave up and simply returned to watching the young man approach. Well, you couldn't accuse him of being unattractive, at least. Well, hopefully he'd have something to talk about with her (though she still wondered why she'd had to become so different for him to, for want of a better word, 'spawn'), so that today wouldn't be boring.

When he was a few steps away, the world seemed to flash brightly, and when Asuna opened her eyes again, a massive beast, bearing at least some resemblance to some of the ogres from all the way back in Kyoto. The young man now held his blade forward, and charged up, running and leaping a good two metres high to bring his sword swinging through the monster's neck.

Asuna almost leaped up and cheered, already reaching for her mobile to call in her friends to help with the cleanup, when the man jumped back into the exact same location he had started from, and '264' popped up from the moster's head, with no recognisable damage.

The monster charged forward, bringing its clawlike hand sweeping down through the young warrior's body, even as Asuna yelled out a warning. When the monster leapt back and Asuna could see him again, however, only a small '56' was visible as lasting damage.

He ran foward again, and this time small traces of light surrounded him. He leapt higher than before, landing point-down on the creature, and the numbers this time were '403', even as a voice called out "**Critical Hit!**", and the warrior struck a dramatic pose as he landed behind it.

The world flashed again, and Asuna opened her eyes to see the damage done to the area completely erased, and not a single person around them seemed to have noticed the struggle.

He moved closer and sat in the chair next to Asuna, leaning his blade on the table in a similar fashion to Asuna's.

Asuna could only gesture at the nonexistent body of the monster, her expression filled with confusion as she tried to decide what glaring game inaccuracy to address first.

The young warrior simply replied in a tone of voice that proclaimed that everything had been explained:

"Random encounter."

...

**Dating Lives of Martial Artists **

Ku Fei allowed herself a brief smile. This guy was _strong_, with a capital 'struh'.

...She didn't really have time to think her remarks through, in all fairness.

"Nnnnn... I think I going to win, " she gasped out, with her hand a few millimetres away from winning the arm-wrestle.

Her opponent seemed more focused on her hand than her words, but there was something odd about him. He almost seemed to be conciously holding back...

_Then I going to startle him, so he fight me properly!_

Ku carefully leaned forward, a slip at a time, inching closer, ever closer...

Then simply yelled out "Boo!"

Her opponent, startled, lost control over himself and suddenly exploded in a massive blast wave, his shirt ripping into shreds for no adequately justifiable reason and hair standing on end, suddenly longer and blond.

Ku had merely a moment to be surprised at the change before the man opposite brought his hand over, strength multiplied fiftyfold, ramming her hand into and through the tabletop, spinning the hapless girl through the air head over heels as her hand lost its grip, landing in a display cabinet across the road.

Goku stood, apologetically waving his arms to get her attention. Why hadn't he paid attention when Kaio-sama had taught him how to keep his calm?

...

**Dating Lives of Puppets **

Chachazero had finally found him.

Well, it.

Okay, an 'it' based on and created from a 'him'. That was enough, right?

Whatever. The important thing was, she had found him. Except someone else had found him for her, but same difference.

The creation in front of her as she slumped in her chair clacked irregularly from time to time as it spoke.

"_And-the-way-that-I clack killed-him-was-with-my clack Iron-Sand. He-did-not clack survive-as-his-vital-organs-were clack pierced-by-poison-soaked-iron-segments._"

He knew how to sweet-talk her just right, too...

"So, would you care to come along next week to see 'Child's Play' with me?"

"_clack I-don't-see-why-I-could clack not._"

In the bushes, Deidara looked over at the red-haired man beside him.

"...All right, who the hell taught you ventriloquism, un?"

"Such a skill is a necessary one for a stealth operative, Deidara, " his companion replied with machinelike disinterest.

"Well, yeah, but you know this is a pretty dick move, even for you, right?"

...

**- To be continued...**

...

A/N: Hope you enjoyed my fellow tropers work!

Please review, C&C welcome.

Until next time, this is Shadow, signing off.


	8. Rainbows Are Straighter Than These

A/N: More crazy dates! Also, check out **Ala Iridia**, a group account I'm a part of, here on this site!

...

**C.R.A.C.C. **Dating Service

by Shadow Crystal Mage

Chapter 8: Dating Lives of Those Who Rainbows Are Straighter Than

Disclaimer: None of the characters here are mine. They're just being set up on weird dates for fun. ENJOY!

...

Subaru whistled cheerfully as the author made no attempt to try and obscure her identity by use of vague pronouns and descriptors. Shari had recommended this service to her, and while she didn't really get the point, she'd said it was a good way to make new friends, and that was always good.

Some distance away at Long Arch, Shari frantically tried to recall the backdoor safeguards she'd built into Cross Mirage as a pissed off tsundere ran after her, shooting.

As Subaru waited with a smile of her face, wearing a headband that made it look like a flower was sticking out the top of her head, a pretty girl with long dark hair rushed up to the tea house she was sitting in front of, panting slightly.

"Are you Nakajima-san?" the girl asked, looking distressed. "Oh, I'm so sorry I'm late, but I missed the first train here. I hope I didn't make you wait too long."

"Oh, no, it's fine, Konoe-san," Subaru said. "Call me Subaru."

The girl smile, getting her breath back and calling a waiter as she sat herself opposite the other girl. "In that case, call me Konoka."

In another place, a _really_ old man with a head shaped like a gourd ran for his life, frantically trying to remember his spells as a pissed off bodyguard with a crush chased him with her sword. He knew he should have reviewed his spellbook that morning…

As the two daters chatted and ordered tea from the still-unnamed store that really needed to get named one of these days, several people lay huddled in the conveniently thick, large and obscuring bushes.

"I don't get it," Caro said. "Why are we spending our time following Subaru around on her day off?"

"In case she gets lucky," Hayate chirped happily, her camera with long range mic attachment ready.

A few feet over, next to a couple of ninja watching two blue-haired girls be all awkward and not look at each other for a good three hours, Asuna munched on her sandwiches resignedly as Haruna and company used Kazumi's Artifact to keep an eye on Konoka. She held out one to Erio. "It might be a while. You should keep up your strength."

"Oh, thank you," he said, smiling, and Asuna firmly squashed the idea that he looked a lot like Negi. That way lay madness…

Subaru and Konoka chatted vapidly for several minutes as they drank and ordered some brownies (one in Konoka's case, a dozen in Subaru's). After a while, they stood up to leave, and their various friends stalking them had to negotiate around all the other friends stalking people in the bushes to follow them. They jumped over a bunch of teenagers in garish clothes from a Peter David comic watching a girl made of mist and a girl dressed like a ninja bat, past several figures in black coats taking notes on the activities of a blonde woman with cockroach hair and a woman with short blue hair, and around several girls with significant names and several siblings whose names stared with 'D' watching a man in archaic clothes at the same table with a naked morbidly obese, ugly woman with a barbed ring.

They got out of the crush in time to see the two running off on rollerblades.

"Curses!" Hayate cried. Everyone gave her weird looks. "What? I always wanted to say that."

When they caught up with them, the two were in the middle of a movie, which was the heartwarming story of an idiot trying not to get killed by his future self while getting enough event flag points to get lucky with the Tsundere Zettai Ryouiki girl. They both stared at the screen with weepy eyes, holding hands tightly.

Haruna and Hayate were promptly thrown out of the theater for 'SQUEEEE'-ing too loudly.

After the movie, the two left to head for a restaurant for dinner, chatting the whole while.

"So," Konoka asked as they ordered. "Why are you here?"

"Oh, a friend of mine suggested it," Subaru said. "She said it was a good way to meet new friends. Though she sent in the form before she told me…"

"I know that," Konoka laughed. "My grandfather did the same to me."

They shared an annoyed sigh.

Their stalkers watched as they ate, still laughing. They had dessert, shook hands, and went their separate ways.

Their friends blinked. "That's it?"

...

The next day, Subaru was back at the café, her friends once more in the bushes.

"Just how many requests did she accept?" Tea growled.

"I didn't see any action last night!" Hayate wept, her camera still at the ready.

"Quiet!" Tea snapped.

"I'm your superior officer!"

"It's my day off," Tea snarled. "_Sir_."

"Wah!" Hayate cried. "Vita, Tea's being mean to me!"

"No, that dress doesn't make you look fat, honey," Vita said blearily.

Everyone blinked, staring at the knight.

"I was very frustrated with yesterday," Hayate smiled widely. "She didn't get much sleep last night."

Erio and Caro blinked. "What does that have to do with anything?" Erio asked

"What positions did you do it in?" Caro asked.

"What?" Erio asked, confused

"What?" Caro said innocently.

"QUIET!" Tea cried. "The target has appeared."

"Hello!" the new girl said as she arrived. "I am Starfire! Are you Miss Subaru?"

Over in the next bush, a boy with a bird name and a girl with a bird name were twitching in synchronization as they spied on the table.

Tea leaned over to them. "Your girl?" she said, pointing.

"Yes," they both said tersely.

"Did you punish who did it?" she asked.

Somewhere far, far away, a Titan wept at all the mud, spaghetti and steak sauce, and slime that had been poured all over his car.

"To start," the boy said.

"Lucky you," Tea muttered.

They went back to watching.

The two girls were, of course, getting along well.

"I think is can actually feel my teeth dissolving at the sweetness of it all," the girl in the leotard and dark blue cloak said. She paused a moment, then turned to the boy next to her. "You realize this means she's into girls, right? I win."

He glared at her. "She could be bi."

"No one ever buys that, friend," Hayate said. "It could be true, but no one will ever buy it."

...

"Hi!" the red-haired girl said. "I'm Chizuru! Pleased to meet you!"

"My, what a coincidence!" the long-haired, busty girl fondling the length of spring onion said. "My name is also Chizuru. Tell me, do you like home remedies?"

"Ah, sure?" the first one said, not having really paid attention even during her introductions. _Kami, those are HUGE!_

"Ah! Finally, a believer in traditional medicine," Naba Chizuru. "Would you like me to try some on you?"

"Uh, sure," Honsho Chizuru said, mesmerized by… well, you know. Thus, she missed the evil glint in her date's eyes…

...

Einhart Stratos sighed, wondering why she had agreed to this. With Vivio dating some prince or other now (see a few chapters ago!– Always-wanted-to-do-that SCM), her friends had, in their attempt to help, set her up with this dating service to try and take her mind off things.

"Excuse me?" a voice said to her. She looked up and her heart stopped. "Are you Einhart Stratos-san?"

"Y-yes," Einhart said, barely managing to sound coherent. The girl in front of her was… cute. Very cute. She was about Einhart's age, cute in a little sister Puni Plush kind of way, her smile wide, sincere and infectious. It vaguely reminded her of… whatshername, green and red eyes… eh, not important. "Y-yes, my name is Einhart Stratos. I'm Einhart Stratos-san."

Hiding in the bushes, Rio, Corona and Nove all facepalmed

The girl just giggled, however, settling on the chair across from Einhart. "Nice to meet you, Einhart-chan! I hope we can be friends. I'm sorry I'm late, but we were really busy at my family's shop today, and I ended up waitressing longer than I thought."

"Oh? Your family runs a restaurant?" Einhart said, mentally kicking herself for sounding like an idiot.

"We run a café, actually," she said, waving to a passing waiter and ordering some juice. "Our cakes are the best!"

"I would like to try your cake sometime, ah–" Suddenly, Einhart blushed. "Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't quite get your name…"

"Nanoha!" the girl said. "But you can call me Nanoha-chan!"

"All right… Nanoha-chan," Einhart said, thinking perhaps this wouldn't be so bad after all. Though she wondered what was bugging her about the name. it seemed kind of familiar.

Bah, if it were important, she'd have remembered it.

"By the way, Einhart-chan," Nanoha said. "After eating, do you want to go to the park and do _that?_"

Einhart nearly fainted. _Such a forward girl!_

In the bushes, Fate twitched. "First that Negi person, then this girl… No one shall take mai waifu from me!"

Bardiche was crying. "My _precioussss _Raging Heart! How am I supposed to compete with a snow leopard plushie!-?"

...

"Well, I don't get to see Fate-mama much, " Vivio said as she and her date chatted outside the cafe. "Her work takes her far away a lot, and when she's home, I'm usually in school. But she says that's going to change soon!"

Chachamaru smiled slightly. "You're lucky. Mother went back to the future to avoid criminal charges from trying to expose magic to the world. I haven't seen her since."

Some things ran in families even when they weren't related.

Vivio's eyes went teary eyed. "Oh, you poor thing!" she said. _Such sad eyes! I must do something! Wait! What did Nanoha mama tell me to do when this happened...?_

"It's all right, " Chachamaru said. "I'll always have my memories of her, and... Vivio-san, why are pointing your hand in my face?"

_**"STARLIGHT BREAKER!"**_

Unfortunately, people skills was one of them.

...

In a motel, Subaru, Konoka and Starfire lay naked under the blanket, staring at the ceiling.

"That was fun!" Subaru said.

"Let's do it again!" Konoka agreed.

"Indeed!" Starfire said. "Perhaps friend Robin and friend Raven would wish to participate this time instead of merely hiding in the bushes."

"I wonder if I can get Setsuna to talk Tsukuyomi into coming along…" Konoka mused.

"The more the merrier!" Subaru cried. "One more round?"

"YEAH!" the other two agreed.

And with that, they went back to playing Super Smash Brothers, Magical Girl Siscalypse Edition.

"And after this, more sex right?" Subaru said.

"Of course!" Konoka chirped.

"Be defeated by my Magical Girl Green Lantern, noobs!"

...

**- To be continued...**

...

A/N: Reviews power me! The more reviews I get, the more I can write!

Please review, C&C welcome.

Until next time, this is Shadow, signing off.


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